On one level, let’s face it, it’s pretty blatant. The Dallas Cowboys had just delighted an entire nation outside of North Texas (along with their annoying pockets of scattered Metro alumni) by being eliminated in the NFL playoffs by favorites the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday night. .
Now, as we know, the Cowboys are, in many ways, the football version of the Yankees, and in football, they are the professional version of Notre Dame. There are no fan bases more vibrant, lively, passionate and zealous (also, depending on your point of view: annoying, insufferable, irritating and infuriating) than those belonging to the Yankees, Cowboys and Fighting Irish.
There is no middle ground. There is no gray area. You love it or you hate it.
Well, while a delightful (or disturbing) number of Cowboys fans took to Twitter straight after 49ers 19, Cowboys 12 to show the world how many different ways a television can be destroyed in a fit of rage, you have in somehow assumed that the Cowboys’ own Twitter feed would attempt to calm the masses and urge the better angels of their nature.
Of course, many years ago, Felix Unger taught us what happens when you get me.
It was posted at 11:58 p.m. Sunday:
@dallascowboys: Dak Prescott gave away the ball twice in the tight loss to the 49ers, in a game the Cowboys had a chance to win if they didn’t hurt themselves, #DALvsSF #DallasCowboys
Well, as we said. Huge on some level.
But at all other levels?
Hilarious. Absolutely 100% hysterical.
And it’s a reminder that the world was denied so much uninhibited, uninhibited comedy by the fact that it took until about 2009 for someone to invent Twitter and allow someone like poor Dak Prescott to getting thrown not just under a bus but by the entirety of Port Authority, Grand Central and Penn stations.
I mean, the possibilities are just endless.
@TheRealKingGeorgeIII: OMG, Charlie Cornwallis just gave away his sword?!?! SMH! He commands the greatest army the Earth has ever known and he just gave his sword to a group of farmers, factory workers and carpenters? #NotMyGeneral #YoullBeBack
One of the greatest cinematic arguments of all time is which movie is better: “The Godfather” or “The Godfather, Part 2”. But if Twitter had been part of the Corleones’ world around 1950 or so, then the doomed younger brother would never have had the prayer to make it to the sequel, where he was a vital plot element.
@IAmFredoIAmSmart: LMAO! My little brother Mikey must know not to come to Las Vegas and talk to a man like Moe Green like that! WTF? ! #HelloJohnnyOla #IdRatherBFishing
But of course, nothing fires the imagination more than sports, and what wasn’t and what could have been. Imagine if Twitter had existed on October 3, 1951, in the public relations offices of Ebbets Field:
@BrooklynDodgers: Let’s see if we get it right: Branca can throw to the green rookie waiting on the bridge, Mays, and instead he decides to throw a fastball to Thomson? PLMK if you’re feeling as sick as we are tonight #ThanksRalph #GiantsRCheaters #NiceYard #WaitTillNextYear
Or that quote tweet at the Orange Bowl in Miami on January 12, 1969, when the Colts started shuffling around the locker room after Super Bowl III and a certain player saw a jubilant tweet from the winners?
@nyjets: The guarantees are real! #WorldChamps #JoeWillieSaidSo
RT: @JohnnyU19: it would be nice if our deaf, dumb and blind coach had noticed after the first six or seven interceptions that the old man, Morrall, didn’t have it today. IDK…maybe put a HALL OF FAMER there, Coach Drooler? #DonCantWinTheBigOne #WeChoked
But, of course, there is an untweeted tweet that would have set the gold standard. From an anonymous room in the Kremlin basement, Moscow, February 22, 1980:
@USSR/CCCPOfficial: All 20 of you are the disgrace of the country. What kind of idea attracts the greatest goaltender in hockey history!?!? Enjoy the Siberian Hockey League. #YOLO #WeWillBuryYou